So the cowboy stands triumphantly, and then hears a moan from behind him. He turns around and sees the zombie damsel's face inches away from his. Shocked, he jumps back, and his hat falls off. He stares at the damsel, and she stares back. The cowboy gives her a sheepish "sorry I got you killed" grin, and looks to the ground at his hat. He stares back at the damsel, and she doesn't move. The cowboy slowly reaches down for his hat. The instant his hand grasps it, she lunges at him. There are some quick cuts, and the final shot is his hand hitting the floor next to his hat.
After that, still images of the zombie town gag I've had in my head all semester. Finally, a logical way to incorporate it. I think. Also, this way I don't have to deal with fire ever if I don't want to. That might actually be a good thing. Woo!
6 comments:
He shouldn't get the hat just to have it fall off randomly. Just have it keep flying around, and by the time he finally gets to it, she's right there. Like she would step into frame right as he's finally about to get it or something.
Also, you do realize that this film is now about a guy trying to get his hat back more than it is about him being a bad cowboy. Is there anyway to show that he is a bad cowboy *because* he doesn't have his hat anymore? How would that affect the beginning where he does have his hat, but still screws up?
The story is giving you problems because you don't know what you're trying to say, you're just stringing together set pieces. What is the core of this story? Is it "Guy tries to redeem his previous failures, but just makes things worse?" Is it "Guy loves hat, guy loses hat, guy gets hat only to die at the hands of vicious zombies"?
Determining what that core pursuit, or defining arc of your story is will help you fill in all the pieces. Stop being afraid to say your story is about something. All stories are about something. That doesn't mean they have to be pretentious drivel.
I agree with everybody that the damsel should appear at the end.
What I got from the hat pursuit is that although he is supposed to care for the public's well being at the town – he would rather chase his hat around. That is really funny. If that's what you meant – maybe you wanna make him the sheriff (so we know that the rescue is under his responsibility but he is just too self serving to do it).
By the way - I loved the part with the bottle and shards of glass (nice opportunity to animate flesh falling off and stuff). Maybe you could use that for a different zombie outside the bar- ?
I like where your story's going so far. It's better without the bartender lady, as much as I liked her. But I think Victor's right that you sort of need to refocus on the 'bad cowboy' aspect. I liked a lot of the gags you had going in the first write-up (before the thumbnails). The idea of him jumping onto his horse and missing, jarring innocent bystanders into crowds of zombies, etc. I think if you go more along the lines of him being easily distracted, but *trying* to save the town for awhile, it would have more of an impact. He's trying and trying to save the town, but he just really really fails. Over and over. You could even have something at the end where he gets really serious about it, and manages to land a dead-on shot into a zombie's head, only to have the bullet explode a keg of gunpowder or something.
So yeah, I like the idea of him chasing the hat, but I liked your first version better. It had more of his personal character in it. He either needs to be *trying* to save the town, or trying to catch his hat.
You should distill this story down into the essential elements: he doesn't save the damsel, he's sad, train of people reanimate as zombies and swamp the town. Now what does he do in this situation? Face the zombies, or get distracted by his hat? It'll become easier to make your ideas concrete if you are really clear about what HE is aiming for overall.
I really like the idea of not having the town on fire, because that's going to just be too much, and the damsel coming in at the end is really the best way to have her come back. I also like the idea of him chagrined about killing her.
Go fight win!
I think you are getting some great input. Victor is right- you need to think about what you are trying to "say". Don't lose sight of that. It doesn't have to be profound, but it will help you tighten your story. Personally, I think the idea of him trying to catch his hat while mayhem ensues around him is hysterical. I also like the idea of him finally getting his hat and walking into the sunset, oblivious to the destruction he left behind. However, the film may be more poignant if you take Victor's suggestion: "Guy tries to redeem his previous failures, but just makes things worse?" At some point you will need to make some tough decisions, because the bottom line is that both films would be good. Which would you rather make? (BTW We may have to have another faculty crit if the new film does not resemble the one that was approved at the end of last semester.)
It's going to be pretty different, but I'm up for another crit if necessary. These comments are so long, and I like them all.
I think Sheila and Victor are correct. Just making up sweet jokes is not going to help fix your story problems. But I also like saving the zombie damsel till last rather than having her at the bar. (though it might be funny to have her foreshadowed in the backgrounds or whatnot).
Jake
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